Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
