I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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