i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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