I have demons in me.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
