i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
