i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
