U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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