I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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