I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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