I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
