9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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