i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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