u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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