he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
