see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
