Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
