Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.