I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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