put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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