Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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