I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
