I want to make a zoo with you.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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