oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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