Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
