Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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