We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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