Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
