Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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