goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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