last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
