just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
