im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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