Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
