My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
