Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
