So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
