He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
