Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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