I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
