She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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