He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
