I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
