Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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