I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
