Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
