I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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