I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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