I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
