For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
