I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
