he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
