I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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