the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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