She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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