Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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