I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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