Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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